Went out tonight with Donny. I know, I know. The sex last week was weird. It was uncentered. We were disconnected from each other. But I do like him. I do. He’s smart and funny and sweet and strange and he’s not boring.
And he’s so different from the kind of man I’m used to. He’s not older than me. He’s not married. (Never been married.) He doesn’t have kids. He’s really handsome and boyish and when I’m with him it’s like I’m trying on a new style of dress that I’ve never worn before. I feel a little uncomfortable in it, and I’m not sure if I recognize myself in the mirror, but I like seeing a different me looking back at me. It’s refreshing.
I wasn’t free until late tonight, so we met at a supermarket. We bought Pop Tarts and iced cream and then had a picnic on a quiet bench outside the market. We kissed and held hands and talked a lot. I think I’m also different from the kind of woman he is used to. (Maybe the kind of girl he’s used to.)
It sort of left me wanting more. It felt good in his arms. We kissed slowly, just connecting and getting used to each other. I think illicit sex is good when it involves meeting and fucking shortly thereafter. But maybe with regular, non-cheating sex you need time to establish a connection. It sounds obvious, doesn’t it? But it wasn’t to me last week.
A Woman
Dear Woman
On the hoof as I’m running for work.
This sounds /really/ nice. Especially that he is maybe in new waters as well as you. Both unsure, both exploring. That’s how it always is deep down. It’s nice if it’s like that on the surface too.
xo PL
Here’s my bus!
I know for me, I used to use sexual intimacy in place of establishing real intimacy because it was way less scary for me to give someone my body than the total me. Sex with someone I hardly knew was the most comfortable, there was nothing to lose and it was just the rawness of the physical attention my body craved. I also got instant gratification that I was beautiful, sexy, worthy because afterall, almost no guy is going to reject an attractive naked woman basically handed to him on a silver platter. As I worked(long and hard with a therapist mind you) to delay physical intimacy so that I could build real intimacy it was totally awkward, sex was a mask I wore and without it I felt more naked and vulnerable than ever. The sex now, it’s much better but it took a long time to get here. I also found a guy that lavishes excessive praise, likes to be playful in the bedroom and is open to exploring any fantasy I bring him-that helps.